I’m awake at 2am because…

I’m awake at 2am because i feel like something is wrong

I’m awake at 2am because i feel like I’VE done something wrong

I feel like I’m going to be told off, 

Like I’m going to get bad news

I’m going to be let down

I’m awake at 2am because I received an email 

I’m awake at 2am because that email didn’t really say anything but in response to something i said, I’m now waiting for a reply

I’m awake at 2am because I’m thinking about that reply and what kind of bullshit will be in it

I’m awake at 2am because no matter what, we continually are disappointed, 

misunderstood, 

disbelieved. 

I’m awake at 2am because I’m a parent carer

I’m awake at 2am because i asked for support 

I’m awake at 2am because i know I probably shouldn’t have

I’m awake at 2am because i am preparing for a new war, 

I’m preparing for a war that I shouldn’t need to fight

For a war with as yet unknown enemies, and from which direction do they come?

I’m awake at 2am because i asked for help to make life easier, safer, more mangegable, 

I’m awake at 2am because no one thinks we should have that, not even professionals

I’m awake at 2am because i cannot do anything for the children without judgement

I’m awake at 2am because i think soley about the needs of children, as they get dismissed by government and professionals 

I’m awake at 2am because I’m the ‘mom’ who was accused of Fii. 

And at 2am or 2pm, that’s the only thing people will see if a mom like me asks for something for their kids, that would benefit positively but costs money. 

I’m awake at 2am because my children are ‘high functioning’ 

I’m awake at 2am because I’m listening for them getting out of bed, because that’s what’s they do. 

I’m awake at 2am because I’m worried, because i care

I’m awake at 2am because I’m not a liar but it is framed as such

I’m forever destined to be fearful of asking for help, fearful of the reply, and expecting allegations of Fii

I’m awake at 2am because i was accused, 

I’m awake at 2am because i was abused by a system that is bias and unfair

I’m awake at 2am because i stepped out of my comfort zone, i made us vulnerable, by asking for help, bog standard practical help. 

Shouldn’t have bothered, shouldn’t have risked it

I’m awake at 2am because I’m angry i did. 

I’m awake at 2am because I’m waiting, but I’m always waiting. A constant dull aching of waiting. Whatever the time, the waiting but because I’ve shared a weakness, I’m no longer waiting, I’m just expecting. 

Expecting everything to explode again. Because in this life, we are supposed to accept our lot, let society place is in a box and never expect more, if we do we appear more than needing, not aspirational, but trying to get something for nothing, something we don’t need, something we don’t deserve. Safety, happiness, peace of mind in our own home.

I’m awake at 2am because i was incorrectly labelled, and no one removed it, i picked it off myself but the residue is still present, visible if you want to look hard enough

It’s visible if they choose to see it, and for me, it’s most visible at night, it’s why I’m awake at 2am. I’m awake at 2am because of them. 

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